What is it about me?

I'm so tired of being the "friend" that everyone forgets about. What is it about me that makes me so hard to remember, or care about? You all have your best friends that you do everything with, that you see all the time and tell all your secrets too, well did it ever occur to you that I don't have that? I have to ask to include myself in things because given the opportunity, no one will remember to ask me. What is it about me? Am I not best friend material? I give up. Maybe it's a blessing that I'm not coming back to Meredith... but I really think it's a curse.

A breath away from a breaking thread....

So it's getting to be that time of year again. Summer is here and all that comes with it. Heat lightning, summer storms, the smell of blooming flowers... all of which I'm entirely accustomed to and usually excited about. But something that usually comes hand in hand with summertime is missing this year: my happiness. If I'm being honest, I'm hanging on by a thread these days. During this time of year I'm usually bouncing off the walls with energy and love for the hot weather and especially after the events of the past two weeks I should be extremely happy and motivated. I just participated in Class Day, one of the most emotional experiences of my life, watched my big sis and best friend walk across the stage at graduation and said goodbye to some of the best women I've ever met. I should be happy. I can't pretend that I am though. Every day it gets a little bit harder to keep that thread attached, I'm almost to my breaking point. This has possibly been one of the hardest semesters of my life and now that I'm facing not being able to go back to school in the fall I would give up anything to relive those moments I took for granted. Meredith College is my identity and who I am, it is home to me when I don't feel like anywhere else is home and now I can't go back and it's killing me every single day to face that reality. I got my dream job since I was a little girl this summer and I'm finding hard to be excited about it when I don't know what I'm going to do with my life come August. What am I going to do? I try to stay positive and think about the good things but I keep coming back to the one thing in life I've worked so hard for that is being taken away from me, and I don't understand why. I've been the good kid. I graduated 21st in my class, I did the work in college, I worked full time, paid my bills, everything. I prayed to God every single night that he would help me figure out a way and now I'm so close to giving up. I don't know if it's possibly for me to face anymore disappointment in my life before I spontaneously com-bust. I'm done believing that "things will work out for the best" because that's bullshit. I just want a normal day again, where I'm able to be happy and not want to drive my car off a bridge because of this stupid mess. Those normal days are long gone and I don't know when they are coming back but I hope that they will. I want to be able to hang on by more than a thread, I don't want to be terrified to drive my car, and I don't want to hurt. I prayed for help and guidance and it never came, so what am I supposed to do now?