You may say that I'm a dreamer...

Well geez. I'm on a roll these days with the whole blogging thing. I guess I've just got a lot to say, or maybe just a lot to think about. So I've been commenting a lot lately on my ambitious plans for life on the other side of the onyx, aka after graduating college in a little over a year. My plans right now are just dreams, and hopes and prayers of what will come of my life, but just because they seem a little out there and maybe TOO ambitious doesn't mean that you can constantly tell me that I will have to settle for less.  That's not your place to tell. I didn't ask for your opinions on what I want to do with my life so please don't impose them.  I want to do what I want to do and you and your peanut gallery are not going to stop me. Seriously, what I want is not too far out of reach is it? Yes, I am a dreamer with big, Big, BIG dreams and I always have been but what's so wrong with dreaming? I just want to be happy and successful in whatever endeavors I do decide to pursue. But I've always been that girl that wants her happiness to be just a little big more than average, maybe I even want my happiness to be spectacular. 
I used to tell people that as soon as I graduated high school I was going to take a Greyhound bus straight to New York City and be on Broadway.  Then high school really happened and I realized that my plans weren't exactly going to work out.  I fell in love with Meredith College and ended up here.  However, sometimes I still wonder what my life would be now if I had taken that bus and never looked back, because nowadays I'm constantly looking back and wondering.  I probably wouldn't be on Broadway but what on earth would I be doing? So I think that's why my future plans are so... "dreamy" I guess.  Because I never got to live out my post-high school plans of awesomeness... as my friends used to call them. So don't look down on me for my "overly ambitious outlooks on life" because my ambition does fucking push ups in my sleep (as Kurt Hummel would say to Rachel Barry) and with that I'm ready to take on anything. I'll do what I do and you can say that I'm just a dreamer but watch me, one day I'll prove you wrong.

A Woman and a Dancer. Woman comes first.

Yesterday in one of my usually mind numbing major classes we were told to write about several things. One was how advertising makes you see your body as a woman, two was what you think about you body in conjunction with being a dancer and three was how being female has shaped who you are as a dancer and how that makes you feel.  The first two questions I'd answered many a time in various fields of study, be it a Women's Studies class or a seminar on eating disorders but the last question got me to thinking.  This is what I wrote:

"Talk about not feeling good enough.... I grew up studying ballet and a female ballerina is supposed to be tall, but not taller than her partner, skinny but not too skinny and small enough to be throw around like a rag doll on command. I am taller than most of my male counterparts in ballet, I'm sure as hell not considered skinny (even though anorexia has plagued me for years) and we ALL know that Christine does not do touching or lifting in dance. Oh hell no.  So what am I if not useless in the world of ballet? I'm nowhere near the perfect expectations for a female ballerina.  Being female has plagues me for years just as much as anorexia has and I guess you could also say that being female in the dance world has plagued me more than almost anything.  Well fuck. I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Being a woman can be hard enough at times but when you think about it, being a woman AND a dancer is even harder. And I am a WOMAN. I have a woman's body. Not some 21 year old who looks like a anatomical replica of an 11 year old, prepubescent boy.  I have hips that could own their own country and legs for days.  My chest is little to be desired but that's not what being a woman is about. My body is my body and I am a dancer. If the ballet world, or even our own college modern world can't accept that then you can fuck off. My body. Not yours.

Something to ponder.

An overly ambitious outlook...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do after I graduate college. Yes, I understand it's only  my junior year and I have "so much time" to figure things out, but when you really think about it, a year and a half goes by in what feels like a heartbeat. So I've got some options.  There are things that I want to do and things that I think I "should do."  Either way I'm moving. I'm moving somewhere I've never been where I'll be forced to make new friends, because looking back on my life I've never been forced to make friends, they've always just been around.  Growing up, it was dance. There was the group of girls I'd been in class with since I was 7 and before that, there was the girl who lived across the street from me, we were expected to be friends, and we were. College came and here I am at Meredith where my friends were hand delivered to me in the form of my department. We are such a small major that all of us kind of grew to be friends, you had to be or your life was going to be hell.  Meredith in general hand delivers you your friends.  We are like one big sorority and your friends are just kind of there.  Anyway, moving on to the point of this, I'm going to move. Shane will be in college for at least an extra  year longer than me which will give me time to set up my life. I would love for him to join me when he graduates, because let's face it, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't want him to resent me for forming a life without him while he's still in school. Hopefully that won't happen. 
So we've established that I'll be moving.  What am I going to do when I move?
Well in an ideal world, I'd make a life teaching dance and performing while I create my own production company in whatever city I'm in.  Yes, production company.  My creative bug has been biting me so hard lately that all I want to do is choreography and write music and create shows.  I'm not sure if it's going to be a dance company or a musical theater company or what but I want to form a group that will put things I create on stage. I'd love to get paid for it too, that would surely be ideal.  I just want to make things for the people and I want what I create to make a difference. I'd love to work in partnership with The Trevor Project but we'll see where that goes. Now I know that all of this working out in my favor is extremely far fetched but I really want to do this.
So that is what I want to do.  What I should do is a different story. Yes, I am looking into graduate school to get my masters.  Most people would look at that as the ideal post-grad plan but I'm not so sure. I would love to go to graduate school for one of three things: Women's Studies, Activism and Social Change(!!!!), or get an MFA in dance.  That last one seems way out of reach because I kind of suck at what I'm majoring in but that's beside the point.  There are 3 schools that I'm looking at and all of them are so radically different than Meredith, NYU, Amherst College in Massachusetts, or U-Michigan.  I'd honestly be happy at any of these schools but again, I'm not sure if I'd be happy being in school for another 2-3 years.  Even if I do go to Grad School, I have a feeling I'd still be working on my overly ambitious plans to start a production company. 
So where will I go if I don't go to graduate school? Well there are a few destinations on my mind.
Number 1. Wilmington, NC.  Stay in North Carolina you say? Why would I want to do that? Well here's the thing. I love Wilmington.  Shane love Wilmington.  We've discussed many times how we could live there and be completely happy.  It's a beautiful city and the historical downtown district blows my mind and my  heart out of the water every time I'm there.  Option A.
Number 2. New York.  So everyone who's ever wanted to do something in the arts has moved to NYC.  Yes, it's extremely far fetched to "make it" in that city but my best friend is going there for college and it would give me an excuse to move there too. Seems like my kind of place.
And number 3. Chicago.  I've been told that Chicago was made for me and after looking into it, I kind believe it.  And that's where the production company that I want to be a part of is located, not that that will ever happen.
So basically, I just want a fresh start.  I will get it someday I swear.  Post grad is coming soon! It's time for some serious life decisions.

Peace. Love. Corn.

Talk To Me

So it's no secret that in high school I was bullied a lot. Not only in high school but for as long as I can remember. I was called every name in the book, every rumor that could possibly be spread, was spread about me. I had my good days but most of the time they were bad. Luckily I had someone to talk to. The "It Gets Better" project was introduced to me when I was a junior in high school. It provided a safe place to talk to people who understood where I was coming from. I couldn't talk to my parents, they just weren't emotionally available, but that's beside the point, I couldn't talk to my friends because yes, they were my friends but they had no idea how hard things were for me. The "It Gets Better Project" assured me that there is a life outside of high school. The closed mindedness, the immaturity, the unnecessary threats and general making my life hell every single day would all be gone eventually. This project was in partnership with "The Trevor Project" and the "Give a Damn" project which mainly focus on suicide prevention and advocacy for the youth of the LGBT community. Me, not being a direct part of this community at first didn't understand why I was being introduced to people and programs like this but after a while I realized that it doesn't matter whether I am gay, straight, bisexual, or any other orientation, these programs and project's main focus is providing support and help for those who need it. Anyone suffering from suicidal thoughts, gay or straight, can call the Trevor Project day or night and find a friendly voice to help them through the hard times. Even if you are just are just a victim of perpetual bullying like I was, you can become a part of It Gets Better and actually get better. I did.
5 years after being introduced to The Trevor Project and It Gets Better, The Trevor Project is now introducing the "Talk To Me Campaign" encouraging you to get out there and be available for people to talk to. It's National Suicide Prevention week and this campaign encourages you to make and wear a shirt that says Talk To Me on September 9th so that people know that you are open to conversation. You may get asked to explain what your shirt means but that's all part of the project. Get out there and talk. I would have been so much better of in high school had I known that there were people out there willing to listen and talk to me. By talking to someone, you could save their lives. There are several who have saved mine. Support The Trevor Project, It Gets Better, and the Talk to Me campaign. Life is easier with someone to talk to.

From where I was to where I am.

Hey there Junior year! Where did you come from?

It's been a great deal of time since I've written anything here. This summer has kept me from doing anything not pertaining to my job. I just had the opportunity to work at a Girl Scout camp for the last 3 months and it was amazing. This was the same camp I attended as a little girl and to be able to go back and be on the other side of things was a side of camp I never thought I'd be able to see.

This summer was the self esteem booster and confidence booster that I needed to pull me out of the funk and depression that I'd been in for the last 6 months. The way I feel now compared to how I felt 3 months ago is a complete 180. I am happy now and I wasn't before I went to camp. The people I met and the friends I made this summer meant way more to me than the people from home who aren't my friends. Did that make sense? Cut me some slack if it didn't, it's been a while since I've written. I think that part of the reason I was so happy is because I was around people that stress me out. I love being at Meredith but there's always so much competition and anger that it's hard to keep calm and be happy. In my department there's always competition to be in someone's dance and if you don't make it and your "best friend" does even though they weren't at the audition then you get bitchy and all of a sudden it's a big deal. At camp, we all worked together most of the time. We all got along for the most part and would rather spend time with each other than compete with each other for no reason. Camp changed me.

More than anything, my job this summer reinstated how much I love what I'm going to school for. Not dance exactly, but children. Yes, there were days when I wanted to scream at a kid and there were days when I was reduced to tears, but at the end of the day, a hug from camper and hearing, "Good night miss Daisy!!" from a cabin full of 2nd graders made it all worth it. If I can make a career out of seeing children every day then all this stress with school will be completely worth it.

So now that we've gotten caught up with where I've been this summer, let's talk about where I'm at now. I am back at Meredith College: my home. This is a recent development but I couldn't be happier to be here. What would I be doing with my life if I wasn't in school? I'm finally here dancing again and WHOA it's my junior year.
This is the year full of the biggest traditions. I got my lil sis's, Jade and Taryn who are fantastic, and today I started the biggest tradition of all. I ordered my onyx today. It was a mad house in the student center. Girls were crying and shaking and squealing. And okay, I might have taken part in this. But I ordered it. It's almost here. All I have to do is wait until October 21st. That's such a long time from now. Almost 3 months exactly. I just gotta keep telling myself it will be here before I know it.
So from where I was to where I am now, there's been quite a change. Today is MDT auditions. We'll see how that goes. I may or may not have more to write about. More about camp to come!

What is it about me?

I'm so tired of being the "friend" that everyone forgets about. What is it about me that makes me so hard to remember, or care about? You all have your best friends that you do everything with, that you see all the time and tell all your secrets too, well did it ever occur to you that I don't have that? I have to ask to include myself in things because given the opportunity, no one will remember to ask me. What is it about me? Am I not best friend material? I give up. Maybe it's a blessing that I'm not coming back to Meredith... but I really think it's a curse.

A breath away from a breaking thread....

So it's getting to be that time of year again. Summer is here and all that comes with it. Heat lightning, summer storms, the smell of blooming flowers... all of which I'm entirely accustomed to and usually excited about. But something that usually comes hand in hand with summertime is missing this year: my happiness. If I'm being honest, I'm hanging on by a thread these days. During this time of year I'm usually bouncing off the walls with energy and love for the hot weather and especially after the events of the past two weeks I should be extremely happy and motivated. I just participated in Class Day, one of the most emotional experiences of my life, watched my big sis and best friend walk across the stage at graduation and said goodbye to some of the best women I've ever met. I should be happy. I can't pretend that I am though. Every day it gets a little bit harder to keep that thread attached, I'm almost to my breaking point. This has possibly been one of the hardest semesters of my life and now that I'm facing not being able to go back to school in the fall I would give up anything to relive those moments I took for granted. Meredith College is my identity and who I am, it is home to me when I don't feel like anywhere else is home and now I can't go back and it's killing me every single day to face that reality. I got my dream job since I was a little girl this summer and I'm finding hard to be excited about it when I don't know what I'm going to do with my life come August. What am I going to do? I try to stay positive and think about the good things but I keep coming back to the one thing in life I've worked so hard for that is being taken away from me, and I don't understand why. I've been the good kid. I graduated 21st in my class, I did the work in college, I worked full time, paid my bills, everything. I prayed to God every single night that he would help me figure out a way and now I'm so close to giving up. I don't know if it's possibly for me to face anymore disappointment in my life before I spontaneously com-bust. I'm done believing that "things will work out for the best" because that's bullshit. I just want a normal day again, where I'm able to be happy and not want to drive my car off a bridge because of this stupid mess. Those normal days are long gone and I don't know when they are coming back but I hope that they will. I want to be able to hang on by more than a thread, I don't want to be terrified to drive my car, and I don't want to hurt. I prayed for help and guidance and it never came, so what am I supposed to do now?