You may say that I'm a dreamer...

Well geez. I'm on a roll these days with the whole blogging thing. I guess I've just got a lot to say, or maybe just a lot to think about. So I've been commenting a lot lately on my ambitious plans for life on the other side of the onyx, aka after graduating college in a little over a year. My plans right now are just dreams, and hopes and prayers of what will come of my life, but just because they seem a little out there and maybe TOO ambitious doesn't mean that you can constantly tell me that I will have to settle for less.  That's not your place to tell. I didn't ask for your opinions on what I want to do with my life so please don't impose them.  I want to do what I want to do and you and your peanut gallery are not going to stop me. Seriously, what I want is not too far out of reach is it? Yes, I am a dreamer with big, Big, BIG dreams and I always have been but what's so wrong with dreaming? I just want to be happy and successful in whatever endeavors I do decide to pursue. But I've always been that girl that wants her happiness to be just a little big more than average, maybe I even want my happiness to be spectacular. 
I used to tell people that as soon as I graduated high school I was going to take a Greyhound bus straight to New York City and be on Broadway.  Then high school really happened and I realized that my plans weren't exactly going to work out.  I fell in love with Meredith College and ended up here.  However, sometimes I still wonder what my life would be now if I had taken that bus and never looked back, because nowadays I'm constantly looking back and wondering.  I probably wouldn't be on Broadway but what on earth would I be doing? So I think that's why my future plans are so... "dreamy" I guess.  Because I never got to live out my post-high school plans of awesomeness... as my friends used to call them. So don't look down on me for my "overly ambitious outlooks on life" because my ambition does fucking push ups in my sleep (as Kurt Hummel would say to Rachel Barry) and with that I'm ready to take on anything. I'll do what I do and you can say that I'm just a dreamer but watch me, one day I'll prove you wrong.

A Woman and a Dancer. Woman comes first.

Yesterday in one of my usually mind numbing major classes we were told to write about several things. One was how advertising makes you see your body as a woman, two was what you think about you body in conjunction with being a dancer and three was how being female has shaped who you are as a dancer and how that makes you feel.  The first two questions I'd answered many a time in various fields of study, be it a Women's Studies class or a seminar on eating disorders but the last question got me to thinking.  This is what I wrote:

"Talk about not feeling good enough.... I grew up studying ballet and a female ballerina is supposed to be tall, but not taller than her partner, skinny but not too skinny and small enough to be throw around like a rag doll on command. I am taller than most of my male counterparts in ballet, I'm sure as hell not considered skinny (even though anorexia has plagued me for years) and we ALL know that Christine does not do touching or lifting in dance. Oh hell no.  So what am I if not useless in the world of ballet? I'm nowhere near the perfect expectations for a female ballerina.  Being female has plagues me for years just as much as anorexia has and I guess you could also say that being female in the dance world has plagued me more than almost anything.  Well fuck. I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Being a woman can be hard enough at times but when you think about it, being a woman AND a dancer is even harder. And I am a WOMAN. I have a woman's body. Not some 21 year old who looks like a anatomical replica of an 11 year old, prepubescent boy.  I have hips that could own their own country and legs for days.  My chest is little to be desired but that's not what being a woman is about. My body is my body and I am a dancer. If the ballet world, or even our own college modern world can't accept that then you can fuck off. My body. Not yours.

Something to ponder.

An overly ambitious outlook...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do after I graduate college. Yes, I understand it's only  my junior year and I have "so much time" to figure things out, but when you really think about it, a year and a half goes by in what feels like a heartbeat. So I've got some options.  There are things that I want to do and things that I think I "should do."  Either way I'm moving. I'm moving somewhere I've never been where I'll be forced to make new friends, because looking back on my life I've never been forced to make friends, they've always just been around.  Growing up, it was dance. There was the group of girls I'd been in class with since I was 7 and before that, there was the girl who lived across the street from me, we were expected to be friends, and we were. College came and here I am at Meredith where my friends were hand delivered to me in the form of my department. We are such a small major that all of us kind of grew to be friends, you had to be or your life was going to be hell.  Meredith in general hand delivers you your friends.  We are like one big sorority and your friends are just kind of there.  Anyway, moving on to the point of this, I'm going to move. Shane will be in college for at least an extra  year longer than me which will give me time to set up my life. I would love for him to join me when he graduates, because let's face it, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't want him to resent me for forming a life without him while he's still in school. Hopefully that won't happen. 
So we've established that I'll be moving.  What am I going to do when I move?
Well in an ideal world, I'd make a life teaching dance and performing while I create my own production company in whatever city I'm in.  Yes, production company.  My creative bug has been biting me so hard lately that all I want to do is choreography and write music and create shows.  I'm not sure if it's going to be a dance company or a musical theater company or what but I want to form a group that will put things I create on stage. I'd love to get paid for it too, that would surely be ideal.  I just want to make things for the people and I want what I create to make a difference. I'd love to work in partnership with The Trevor Project but we'll see where that goes. Now I know that all of this working out in my favor is extremely far fetched but I really want to do this.
So that is what I want to do.  What I should do is a different story. Yes, I am looking into graduate school to get my masters.  Most people would look at that as the ideal post-grad plan but I'm not so sure. I would love to go to graduate school for one of three things: Women's Studies, Activism and Social Change(!!!!), or get an MFA in dance.  That last one seems way out of reach because I kind of suck at what I'm majoring in but that's beside the point.  There are 3 schools that I'm looking at and all of them are so radically different than Meredith, NYU, Amherst College in Massachusetts, or U-Michigan.  I'd honestly be happy at any of these schools but again, I'm not sure if I'd be happy being in school for another 2-3 years.  Even if I do go to Grad School, I have a feeling I'd still be working on my overly ambitious plans to start a production company. 
So where will I go if I don't go to graduate school? Well there are a few destinations on my mind.
Number 1. Wilmington, NC.  Stay in North Carolina you say? Why would I want to do that? Well here's the thing. I love Wilmington.  Shane love Wilmington.  We've discussed many times how we could live there and be completely happy.  It's a beautiful city and the historical downtown district blows my mind and my  heart out of the water every time I'm there.  Option A.
Number 2. New York.  So everyone who's ever wanted to do something in the arts has moved to NYC.  Yes, it's extremely far fetched to "make it" in that city but my best friend is going there for college and it would give me an excuse to move there too. Seems like my kind of place.
And number 3. Chicago.  I've been told that Chicago was made for me and after looking into it, I kind believe it.  And that's where the production company that I want to be a part of is located, not that that will ever happen.
So basically, I just want a fresh start.  I will get it someday I swear.  Post grad is coming soon! It's time for some serious life decisions.

Peace. Love. Corn.

Talk To Me

So it's no secret that in high school I was bullied a lot. Not only in high school but for as long as I can remember. I was called every name in the book, every rumor that could possibly be spread, was spread about me. I had my good days but most of the time they were bad. Luckily I had someone to talk to. The "It Gets Better" project was introduced to me when I was a junior in high school. It provided a safe place to talk to people who understood where I was coming from. I couldn't talk to my parents, they just weren't emotionally available, but that's beside the point, I couldn't talk to my friends because yes, they were my friends but they had no idea how hard things were for me. The "It Gets Better Project" assured me that there is a life outside of high school. The closed mindedness, the immaturity, the unnecessary threats and general making my life hell every single day would all be gone eventually. This project was in partnership with "The Trevor Project" and the "Give a Damn" project which mainly focus on suicide prevention and advocacy for the youth of the LGBT community. Me, not being a direct part of this community at first didn't understand why I was being introduced to people and programs like this but after a while I realized that it doesn't matter whether I am gay, straight, bisexual, or any other orientation, these programs and project's main focus is providing support and help for those who need it. Anyone suffering from suicidal thoughts, gay or straight, can call the Trevor Project day or night and find a friendly voice to help them through the hard times. Even if you are just are just a victim of perpetual bullying like I was, you can become a part of It Gets Better and actually get better. I did.
5 years after being introduced to The Trevor Project and It Gets Better, The Trevor Project is now introducing the "Talk To Me Campaign" encouraging you to get out there and be available for people to talk to. It's National Suicide Prevention week and this campaign encourages you to make and wear a shirt that says Talk To Me on September 9th so that people know that you are open to conversation. You may get asked to explain what your shirt means but that's all part of the project. Get out there and talk. I would have been so much better of in high school had I known that there were people out there willing to listen and talk to me. By talking to someone, you could save their lives. There are several who have saved mine. Support The Trevor Project, It Gets Better, and the Talk to Me campaign. Life is easier with someone to talk to.

From where I was to where I am.

Hey there Junior year! Where did you come from?

It's been a great deal of time since I've written anything here. This summer has kept me from doing anything not pertaining to my job. I just had the opportunity to work at a Girl Scout camp for the last 3 months and it was amazing. This was the same camp I attended as a little girl and to be able to go back and be on the other side of things was a side of camp I never thought I'd be able to see.

This summer was the self esteem booster and confidence booster that I needed to pull me out of the funk and depression that I'd been in for the last 6 months. The way I feel now compared to how I felt 3 months ago is a complete 180. I am happy now and I wasn't before I went to camp. The people I met and the friends I made this summer meant way more to me than the people from home who aren't my friends. Did that make sense? Cut me some slack if it didn't, it's been a while since I've written. I think that part of the reason I was so happy is because I was around people that stress me out. I love being at Meredith but there's always so much competition and anger that it's hard to keep calm and be happy. In my department there's always competition to be in someone's dance and if you don't make it and your "best friend" does even though they weren't at the audition then you get bitchy and all of a sudden it's a big deal. At camp, we all worked together most of the time. We all got along for the most part and would rather spend time with each other than compete with each other for no reason. Camp changed me.

More than anything, my job this summer reinstated how much I love what I'm going to school for. Not dance exactly, but children. Yes, there were days when I wanted to scream at a kid and there were days when I was reduced to tears, but at the end of the day, a hug from camper and hearing, "Good night miss Daisy!!" from a cabin full of 2nd graders made it all worth it. If I can make a career out of seeing children every day then all this stress with school will be completely worth it.

So now that we've gotten caught up with where I've been this summer, let's talk about where I'm at now. I am back at Meredith College: my home. This is a recent development but I couldn't be happier to be here. What would I be doing with my life if I wasn't in school? I'm finally here dancing again and WHOA it's my junior year.
This is the year full of the biggest traditions. I got my lil sis's, Jade and Taryn who are fantastic, and today I started the biggest tradition of all. I ordered my onyx today. It was a mad house in the student center. Girls were crying and shaking and squealing. And okay, I might have taken part in this. But I ordered it. It's almost here. All I have to do is wait until October 21st. That's such a long time from now. Almost 3 months exactly. I just gotta keep telling myself it will be here before I know it.
So from where I was to where I am now, there's been quite a change. Today is MDT auditions. We'll see how that goes. I may or may not have more to write about. More about camp to come!

What is it about me?

I'm so tired of being the "friend" that everyone forgets about. What is it about me that makes me so hard to remember, or care about? You all have your best friends that you do everything with, that you see all the time and tell all your secrets too, well did it ever occur to you that I don't have that? I have to ask to include myself in things because given the opportunity, no one will remember to ask me. What is it about me? Am I not best friend material? I give up. Maybe it's a blessing that I'm not coming back to Meredith... but I really think it's a curse.

A breath away from a breaking thread....

So it's getting to be that time of year again. Summer is here and all that comes with it. Heat lightning, summer storms, the smell of blooming flowers... all of which I'm entirely accustomed to and usually excited about. But something that usually comes hand in hand with summertime is missing this year: my happiness. If I'm being honest, I'm hanging on by a thread these days. During this time of year I'm usually bouncing off the walls with energy and love for the hot weather and especially after the events of the past two weeks I should be extremely happy and motivated. I just participated in Class Day, one of the most emotional experiences of my life, watched my big sis and best friend walk across the stage at graduation and said goodbye to some of the best women I've ever met. I should be happy. I can't pretend that I am though. Every day it gets a little bit harder to keep that thread attached, I'm almost to my breaking point. This has possibly been one of the hardest semesters of my life and now that I'm facing not being able to go back to school in the fall I would give up anything to relive those moments I took for granted. Meredith College is my identity and who I am, it is home to me when I don't feel like anywhere else is home and now I can't go back and it's killing me every single day to face that reality. I got my dream job since I was a little girl this summer and I'm finding hard to be excited about it when I don't know what I'm going to do with my life come August. What am I going to do? I try to stay positive and think about the good things but I keep coming back to the one thing in life I've worked so hard for that is being taken away from me, and I don't understand why. I've been the good kid. I graduated 21st in my class, I did the work in college, I worked full time, paid my bills, everything. I prayed to God every single night that he would help me figure out a way and now I'm so close to giving up. I don't know if it's possibly for me to face anymore disappointment in my life before I spontaneously com-bust. I'm done believing that "things will work out for the best" because that's bullshit. I just want a normal day again, where I'm able to be happy and not want to drive my car off a bridge because of this stupid mess. Those normal days are long gone and I don't know when they are coming back but I hope that they will. I want to be able to hang on by more than a thread, I don't want to be terrified to drive my car, and I don't want to hurt. I prayed for help and guidance and it never came, so what am I supposed to do now?

anatomically speaking

I told her that I give up. I give up studying and working my butt off and losing sleep over this class if it's not going to show up in my work. I don't care if she thinks I'm disrespectful or rude but this class has been riding my ass for the entire semester and I'm done with it. I want my sanity back. I believe I'll pass and I think I'll do well on the final project but then again I think that every time we take a test and it gets me nowhere but failing. I'm no accustomed to failing at anything. I graduated 21st in my class in high school and up until this class I've had a pretty damn good gpa in college. If I don't pass this class my gpa will not be good enough to pledge NDA, I won't get my onyx on time with everyone else and I'll have to retake it... which is almost the worst of it all. It's crazy and stupid that all of that rides on just this one class, these 7 points. And it's not like I volunteered for this class, I/we dance majors have to take it for our major and there's no getting around it. What I wouldn't give to get around it. And it's not just me that's failing, there are quite a few other girls who are and shouldn't that tell you something? If your class is failing most of everything, that should tell you that something is not right. Especially when we all study non stop and spend HOURS at a time doing your homework. I'm sorry but I do have other classes to tend to and I have A's in those.
Maybe I shouldn't have said this and maybe I shouldn't be venting or bitching or whatever you want to call it but if I can help it I will never take another class with you.

and now I'm ruined....

Has college destroyed me? My love and passion and desire to dance used to be so prevalent in my bones and my body that it could not be ignored. These days I dread stepping into the studio. I feel as if positive reinforcement in this department is there but through every professor. I've come in contact more with the negative that with the positive and it's really torn me apart. I don't love this art anymore. I came to this school to do what I love and it's made me realize that I hate it now. Over the last year I have come to hate dance and everything that coincides with it. I hate my body, I hate the way it moves, I hate that I'm not good enough. I hate that teachers try to pressure you into doing something that you KNOW you don't want to do. I hate that other students put each other down without a second thought, and I hate that we all pretend to be friends with each other but at the end of the day, there's always someone left out, there's always someone hurt and that's when you see who's really friends. The cliques in this department are outlandish. Once they're formed, there's no way in hell that you're becoming part of that, no matter how much you think you're friends with people. You can try as much as you want but it's a brick wall and you can't break it down.
The classes we take here tend to make you feel useless and like a failure. A lot of the time you're talked to like a child and when you try to defend yourself, you get interrupted constantly. And this in no way, shape, or form refers to every single teacher I've encountered, but there's a few that make me cringe when I think about going to their class. Believe me though, Carol Finley is one of the best people I've ever met in my life and for all the bad experiences I've had here, she makes up for it some how. She keeps reminding me that this is where I'm supposed to be, and even when I don't believe that she's right, in the end, I always come around.
And not all the people are cringeworthy either. There's a few girls that I can talk to if I ever need it and I know they'll keep what I say to themselves. This whole institution just feels like high school all over again sometimes.
As of right now, I feel like college has ruined my love of dance and movement and art. I used to be secure in my abilities and would love more than anything to be in rehearsal for hours a day, but over the past two years, that love has slowly faded away. Granted, if I wasn't dancing I don't know what else I would be doing, but that's primarily because I don't know what I'm good at. I've never done anything but dance and that bothers me. This is all that I am and I don't even like it anymore....
What's a girl to do?

In the end...

I worry sometimes that I don't talk to God enough. And I mean really talk to him. I pray all the time but sometimes I forget that he's more than just my God. He understands me like no other. He already knows what I need and knows my desires but I can still cast my worries on him and unload my stresses. Sometimes I just want to vent to him; to complain, to cry, to beg for guidance when I'm desperately lost, but I forget that I can. I forget that he's there for me through thick and thin, he understands my pain and knows why I cry every tear. I thank heavens for that because half the time I don't understand my tears.
Today is one of those days where I just need to be surrounded by God's love and held and told that it's going to all be okay because in the end it is. I'm almost ashamed to admit it but during all he turmoil of today, I didn't talk to God. I wish I had but in the moment I was too busy worrying myself to death to remember that there's someone always there to talk to. I'm sure that if I had cried to God instead of crying while watching One Tree Hill, I would have felt ten times better instantly. Now maybe that wouldn't have been the case, but I would have talked until my tears were gone and I felt somewhat relieved, but instead I cried watching Peyton cry over Brooke and Lucas.... so much drama.
I want to rely more on my relationship with God. I want to learn to have more candid talks with him about everything. He already knows what I've done, said and thought about during the day, so what's there to hide? I want to be able to ask him for guidance and then actually trust that he'll send me in the right direction because these days I have a hard time trusting anyone but myself. I want to learn to lean on him because in the end, my faith in my God will make everything okay. My God.

To live the charmed life you have to be an angel...

Wow, two posts in one day? I'm on a roll! Tonight was the best night I've had in a while. Here at Meredith College, us Avenging Angels (yes that's our mascot, don't hate) are a little crazy about our traditions. There's one for every semester, every event and always a reason to wear a string of pearls and a pretty dress. Tonight was no excuse. Tonight was Charming Evening. It's the not the biggest or the best Meredith tradition, those come next year, but it's one to take part in for the sake of memories. Tonight myself and my Meredith family, consisting mostly of the lovely dancing ladies and Brittany Jaked, were presented with our very first piece of Meredith bling: a charm engraved with the letters MC on one side and '13 on the other to represent the unity of our class. And I know to outsiders this seems just cheesy and lame but it's really not. We're all about unity at Meredith and I know sometimes I vent about not feeling like one of the group or what not but the truth is that we are one big family. Especially those of us in the dance department. I see these girls every day of my life and I would want it any other way. To spend a night like tonight with them was something I needed to calm my soul and my mind after the week I've had. I didn't realize it until tonight how much I miss these girls after not living on campus for a while. It was so much fun just to get dressed up, complain about the food and then head straight to cook out after, still wearing our heels and dresses. Tonight Chloe cried after the guest speaker talked about how Charming Evening in 2007 brought her so much closer to her best friends and honestly I wanted to cry with her. Chloe said that we were her best friends and maybe we didn't realize it but we really are each others best friends. The girls at Meredith are not your average college students. We go through so much more with each other than at traditional schools and because of that we naturally form a closer bond and stick to each other and tonight I really realized that. I'm sure it will only become more prominent in our minds next year when it comes time to put a very special ring on our right hand but until then I am truly content with living the charmed life with Brittany Jaked, Whitney Jones, Chloe Williams, Sarah Panill, Angel Jackson, Sarah Beno, Marianna Blizzard, Cara Mossman and Katie Mundt (even though the last two didn't go tonight!)

I guess it was thirsty Monday?!?!

"You're not as much fun when you're drunk..."
This was said to me by a close friend today after we spend the night watching Harry Potter, playing video games and drinking. The drinking part was mostly me. It had been a bad night and I just wanted to have a couple drinks and be with my boyfriend and my friend. However, a couple drinks turned into 7 drinks and before I knew it I was confined to the couch for the safety of myself and those around me. I woke up feeling like death this morning and was incredibly embarrassed about what I may or may not have said, done or acted like. I usually don't do stupid or ridiculous things when I drink besides harmlessly flirt with anything that looks good, and believe me, both my boyfriend and my friend are HIGHLY attractive. Neither one of them has an ugly bone in their body, but that's beside the point. I hang out with Izzy a lot. We are pretty awesome friends and we like to just chill and drink coffee which is always fun. I texted him this afternoon apologizing for acting like "2 year old instead of a 20 year old" last night as well as informing him that I currently feel like death warmed over. I had cried for the entire ride home when my car broke down and bitched and complained about everything, and this was before the drinking. When I said this he promptly replied, "I'm sorry you feel like death. It's cool about the drinking thing too, but I gotta say you're not as much fun when you are drunk." No one that I've ever partied with or been drinking with has ever said that to me. My boyfriend usually just laughs at me and obliges my drunken requests such as, "Hey let's go ghost hunting!" or "I want to make brownies..." he usually supervises when there's cooking involved. It's nice to hear for once that drinking doesn't necessarily make you a more appealing friend, girl, party guest or whatever. Nowadays you always hear those around you badgering you to drink more alcohol and harder alcohol because it will only make things better; the party better, your experience better, better sex, better friendships, and a generally more fun event. I have to say that I finally disagree with this. I don't remember the movie we watched last night or what video game the boys played, although I'm pretty sure it was gears of war because they ALWAYS play that, or recall any emotional or physical reaction to anything. This is not good. I want to remember my fun nights with friends. Just because you're drunk doesn't mean you're having more fun than you would if you were sober. It's funny that this whole blog entry stemmed from a single text message. Just something to ponder and be thankful for, "You're not as much fun when you're drunk..." Remember that Thirsty Thursday girls...

Ostriches and Aliens

It's been a rough month for me. This whole dance thing is more challenging, frightening, gratifying and deteriorating to me than I ever thought it would be. You work your ass off for the last two years just for another "No. Sorry, you're still not good enough." and it tends to put a damper on things. I'm not in a good place in my life these days either. I'm confused and bogged down with everything from the relationships around me to trying to make myself get out of bed in the morning. My true relationship with God has gone out the window and I don't know why, but it's really hard to get it back. It's really hard to get any of that back once it's out of focus. I can't seem to get my heart to decide on what I really want to do and it makes my mind go off the beaten path, which scares me. I want things to be set in stone. I want decisions to come easy to me, and I want my life to make sense again. I desperately need Shane to stop worrying about which side of me he's going to wake up to in the morning. It's not fair to him for me to drag him on this roller coaster of depression just because he lives with me. I just wish I could lock it all up and make myself be fine. Fine is better than what I am now but worse than what I should aim for, which is good, healthy, stable and alive. And believe me, all of this does not stem from just some audition where I was told no. It definitely added to the mountain on my shoulders but there's so much more to what's going on in my head than just that one event that left me out of whack. Shane would like to say that it is THE event that threw me off my axis this time, and he's probably right but I don't want to blame it on that. I don't want to blame it on anything, it's just the point I'm at in my life right now. The feeling of being ostracized every day of my life in a place that strives to be known for equality and community and friendship is hard to take in, especially when everyone has a best friend and yours moved away. She's not that far away but she's gone all Tri-Delta sorority now and I never see her. God I miss April. We were completely different people but somehow we just fit together and our friendship came easy. I wish she still wanted to dance and to be at Meredith but it just wasn't for her. She's happy with the Tri-Deltas and her Anthropology major now and that's all I could hope for her. To see her more than once a semester would be great though. I know this is a rambling mush of nothing update but I needed to just talk. Talk to anyone and no one at the same time because that's what this thing is right? I can't talk to Shane, can't talk to people at school without them thinking I'm crazy (which I'm not I swear), definitely can't talk to my out of touch parents, so here it is. Out in the open for anyone to read who happens to stumble across my thoughts. I needed this really. To write and cry and just put it all out there, more or less. My heart is on the page bleeding for you and this is all it has to give. Hopefully this will help me.

What's in a kiss?

ou Sometimes it's terrifying to think about how I will probably never ever have another first kiss in my life. It's scary to put that way but when I actually take a moment and think about it, I'm okay with it. I could be okay kissing Shane every day until the end of my days to be honest. I never thought I would say that at this age, none the less actually want it to happen, but when he kisses me, I never want to be like that with anyone else.

It's an understatement to say that I've "kissed other people" in my life, but before I met Shane a kiss was just something you were supposed to do with people you dated. Boyfriend's kissed their girlfriends and that's just what happens in relationships right? Sure. That's what I always thought. Other times when I would kiss people it ended up being a moment of lust and loneliness between close friends that ended in confusion, often regret and the changing of something that was once special. None of those kisses were ones that I would want to have over and over again for the rest of my life.

Now however, kissing Shane is like seeing my future, as cheesey as that sounds and believe me, I'm full of cheese. I know he'll be the one I wake up to when I'm 50 and I'm okay with that. Hell, I'm happy about that. Some people say that I'm too young to know this but I think that they are wrong. You just know when it's right. Shane still gives me butterflies every single morning. Our relationship feels like we've just met again. I never get bored, I never love him any less and I always find the capacity to love him more. He amazes me with his kindness and ability to say all the right things, just not always at the right time. I once told him that we share one heart and that's how I know and love him so much. He corrected me and said, "No we have two separate hearts, they just beat the same way. That's what brought us together." Things like that make my entire day.

It's strange to think that all of this stemmed from our first kiss over a year and a half ago. It wasn't brought on by lust, loneliness, curiosity or anything like that. He kissed me because he felt something. If there wasn't something there then it wouldn't have worked out. He is my kindered spirit and the butterflies are still there, every morning.

There are two men in my life

So it's a Monday night and there's definitely class tomorrow which makes me not exactly happy. Not happy about having to get up and drive to Meredith but when I think about it, I'm happy. Right now I'm sitting in my living room recliner watching the love of my life play video games with my newly acquired best guy friend. It's never exactly worked out that my significant other would actually get along with many of my friends but in this case it's amazing how alike they are. They are bonding over playing "Gears of War:2" and the words "epic" and "fucking awesome" keep coming out of their mouths... actually one of them just said "booby trap".... and it makes me smile to watch them.
While they are different, one being the love of my life and the other being an amazing friend, I love them both. Shane loves me for exactly who I am and doesn't expect me to change one bit. He met me and came into my life when I needed him the most and hasn't left since. Izzy is just one of those genuinely nice guys who hasn't had the best luck in love in his life. It's my goal to find him a nice girl because he deserves one.
Regardless of how they fill different voids in my life, there are two very important men in my life (other than my daddy of course) and I wouldn't be the same without them and their "epicness." Without Izzy I would die at work at the hands of our bitch manager and without Shane my life would be empty and I wouldn't know what to do.

They are both extraordinary men.