To live the charmed life you have to be an angel...

Wow, two posts in one day? I'm on a roll! Tonight was the best night I've had in a while. Here at Meredith College, us Avenging Angels (yes that's our mascot, don't hate) are a little crazy about our traditions. There's one for every semester, every event and always a reason to wear a string of pearls and a pretty dress. Tonight was no excuse. Tonight was Charming Evening. It's the not the biggest or the best Meredith tradition, those come next year, but it's one to take part in for the sake of memories. Tonight myself and my Meredith family, consisting mostly of the lovely dancing ladies and Brittany Jaked, were presented with our very first piece of Meredith bling: a charm engraved with the letters MC on one side and '13 on the other to represent the unity of our class. And I know to outsiders this seems just cheesy and lame but it's really not. We're all about unity at Meredith and I know sometimes I vent about not feeling like one of the group or what not but the truth is that we are one big family. Especially those of us in the dance department. I see these girls every day of my life and I would want it any other way. To spend a night like tonight with them was something I needed to calm my soul and my mind after the week I've had. I didn't realize it until tonight how much I miss these girls after not living on campus for a while. It was so much fun just to get dressed up, complain about the food and then head straight to cook out after, still wearing our heels and dresses. Tonight Chloe cried after the guest speaker talked about how Charming Evening in 2007 brought her so much closer to her best friends and honestly I wanted to cry with her. Chloe said that we were her best friends and maybe we didn't realize it but we really are each others best friends. The girls at Meredith are not your average college students. We go through so much more with each other than at traditional schools and because of that we naturally form a closer bond and stick to each other and tonight I really realized that. I'm sure it will only become more prominent in our minds next year when it comes time to put a very special ring on our right hand but until then I am truly content with living the charmed life with Brittany Jaked, Whitney Jones, Chloe Williams, Sarah Panill, Angel Jackson, Sarah Beno, Marianna Blizzard, Cara Mossman and Katie Mundt (even though the last two didn't go tonight!)

I guess it was thirsty Monday?!?!

"You're not as much fun when you're drunk..."
This was said to me by a close friend today after we spend the night watching Harry Potter, playing video games and drinking. The drinking part was mostly me. It had been a bad night and I just wanted to have a couple drinks and be with my boyfriend and my friend. However, a couple drinks turned into 7 drinks and before I knew it I was confined to the couch for the safety of myself and those around me. I woke up feeling like death this morning and was incredibly embarrassed about what I may or may not have said, done or acted like. I usually don't do stupid or ridiculous things when I drink besides harmlessly flirt with anything that looks good, and believe me, both my boyfriend and my friend are HIGHLY attractive. Neither one of them has an ugly bone in their body, but that's beside the point. I hang out with Izzy a lot. We are pretty awesome friends and we like to just chill and drink coffee which is always fun. I texted him this afternoon apologizing for acting like "2 year old instead of a 20 year old" last night as well as informing him that I currently feel like death warmed over. I had cried for the entire ride home when my car broke down and bitched and complained about everything, and this was before the drinking. When I said this he promptly replied, "I'm sorry you feel like death. It's cool about the drinking thing too, but I gotta say you're not as much fun when you are drunk." No one that I've ever partied with or been drinking with has ever said that to me. My boyfriend usually just laughs at me and obliges my drunken requests such as, "Hey let's go ghost hunting!" or "I want to make brownies..." he usually supervises when there's cooking involved. It's nice to hear for once that drinking doesn't necessarily make you a more appealing friend, girl, party guest or whatever. Nowadays you always hear those around you badgering you to drink more alcohol and harder alcohol because it will only make things better; the party better, your experience better, better sex, better friendships, and a generally more fun event. I have to say that I finally disagree with this. I don't remember the movie we watched last night or what video game the boys played, although I'm pretty sure it was gears of war because they ALWAYS play that, or recall any emotional or physical reaction to anything. This is not good. I want to remember my fun nights with friends. Just because you're drunk doesn't mean you're having more fun than you would if you were sober. It's funny that this whole blog entry stemmed from a single text message. Just something to ponder and be thankful for, "You're not as much fun when you're drunk..." Remember that Thirsty Thursday girls...

Ostriches and Aliens

It's been a rough month for me. This whole dance thing is more challenging, frightening, gratifying and deteriorating to me than I ever thought it would be. You work your ass off for the last two years just for another "No. Sorry, you're still not good enough." and it tends to put a damper on things. I'm not in a good place in my life these days either. I'm confused and bogged down with everything from the relationships around me to trying to make myself get out of bed in the morning. My true relationship with God has gone out the window and I don't know why, but it's really hard to get it back. It's really hard to get any of that back once it's out of focus. I can't seem to get my heart to decide on what I really want to do and it makes my mind go off the beaten path, which scares me. I want things to be set in stone. I want decisions to come easy to me, and I want my life to make sense again. I desperately need Shane to stop worrying about which side of me he's going to wake up to in the morning. It's not fair to him for me to drag him on this roller coaster of depression just because he lives with me. I just wish I could lock it all up and make myself be fine. Fine is better than what I am now but worse than what I should aim for, which is good, healthy, stable and alive. And believe me, all of this does not stem from just some audition where I was told no. It definitely added to the mountain on my shoulders but there's so much more to what's going on in my head than just that one event that left me out of whack. Shane would like to say that it is THE event that threw me off my axis this time, and he's probably right but I don't want to blame it on that. I don't want to blame it on anything, it's just the point I'm at in my life right now. The feeling of being ostracized every day of my life in a place that strives to be known for equality and community and friendship is hard to take in, especially when everyone has a best friend and yours moved away. She's not that far away but she's gone all Tri-Delta sorority now and I never see her. God I miss April. We were completely different people but somehow we just fit together and our friendship came easy. I wish she still wanted to dance and to be at Meredith but it just wasn't for her. She's happy with the Tri-Deltas and her Anthropology major now and that's all I could hope for her. To see her more than once a semester would be great though. I know this is a rambling mush of nothing update but I needed to just talk. Talk to anyone and no one at the same time because that's what this thing is right? I can't talk to Shane, can't talk to people at school without them thinking I'm crazy (which I'm not I swear), definitely can't talk to my out of touch parents, so here it is. Out in the open for anyone to read who happens to stumble across my thoughts. I needed this really. To write and cry and just put it all out there, more or less. My heart is on the page bleeding for you and this is all it has to give. Hopefully this will help me.