and now I'm ruined....

Has college destroyed me? My love and passion and desire to dance used to be so prevalent in my bones and my body that it could not be ignored. These days I dread stepping into the studio. I feel as if positive reinforcement in this department is there but through every professor. I've come in contact more with the negative that with the positive and it's really torn me apart. I don't love this art anymore. I came to this school to do what I love and it's made me realize that I hate it now. Over the last year I have come to hate dance and everything that coincides with it. I hate my body, I hate the way it moves, I hate that I'm not good enough. I hate that teachers try to pressure you into doing something that you KNOW you don't want to do. I hate that other students put each other down without a second thought, and I hate that we all pretend to be friends with each other but at the end of the day, there's always someone left out, there's always someone hurt and that's when you see who's really friends. The cliques in this department are outlandish. Once they're formed, there's no way in hell that you're becoming part of that, no matter how much you think you're friends with people. You can try as much as you want but it's a brick wall and you can't break it down.
The classes we take here tend to make you feel useless and like a failure. A lot of the time you're talked to like a child and when you try to defend yourself, you get interrupted constantly. And this in no way, shape, or form refers to every single teacher I've encountered, but there's a few that make me cringe when I think about going to their class. Believe me though, Carol Finley is one of the best people I've ever met in my life and for all the bad experiences I've had here, she makes up for it some how. She keeps reminding me that this is where I'm supposed to be, and even when I don't believe that she's right, in the end, I always come around.
And not all the people are cringeworthy either. There's a few girls that I can talk to if I ever need it and I know they'll keep what I say to themselves. This whole institution just feels like high school all over again sometimes.
As of right now, I feel like college has ruined my love of dance and movement and art. I used to be secure in my abilities and would love more than anything to be in rehearsal for hours a day, but over the past two years, that love has slowly faded away. Granted, if I wasn't dancing I don't know what else I would be doing, but that's primarily because I don't know what I'm good at. I've never done anything but dance and that bothers me. This is all that I am and I don't even like it anymore....
What's a girl to do?

In the end...

I worry sometimes that I don't talk to God enough. And I mean really talk to him. I pray all the time but sometimes I forget that he's more than just my God. He understands me like no other. He already knows what I need and knows my desires but I can still cast my worries on him and unload my stresses. Sometimes I just want to vent to him; to complain, to cry, to beg for guidance when I'm desperately lost, but I forget that I can. I forget that he's there for me through thick and thin, he understands my pain and knows why I cry every tear. I thank heavens for that because half the time I don't understand my tears.
Today is one of those days where I just need to be surrounded by God's love and held and told that it's going to all be okay because in the end it is. I'm almost ashamed to admit it but during all he turmoil of today, I didn't talk to God. I wish I had but in the moment I was too busy worrying myself to death to remember that there's someone always there to talk to. I'm sure that if I had cried to God instead of crying while watching One Tree Hill, I would have felt ten times better instantly. Now maybe that wouldn't have been the case, but I would have talked until my tears were gone and I felt somewhat relieved, but instead I cried watching Peyton cry over Brooke and Lucas.... so much drama.
I want to rely more on my relationship with God. I want to learn to have more candid talks with him about everything. He already knows what I've done, said and thought about during the day, so what's there to hide? I want to be able to ask him for guidance and then actually trust that he'll send me in the right direction because these days I have a hard time trusting anyone but myself. I want to learn to lean on him because in the end, my faith in my God will make everything okay. My God.