You may say that I'm a dreamer...

Well geez. I'm on a roll these days with the whole blogging thing. I guess I've just got a lot to say, or maybe just a lot to think about. So I've been commenting a lot lately on my ambitious plans for life on the other side of the onyx, aka after graduating college in a little over a year. My plans right now are just dreams, and hopes and prayers of what will come of my life, but just because they seem a little out there and maybe TOO ambitious doesn't mean that you can constantly tell me that I will have to settle for less.  That's not your place to tell. I didn't ask for your opinions on what I want to do with my life so please don't impose them.  I want to do what I want to do and you and your peanut gallery are not going to stop me. Seriously, what I want is not too far out of reach is it? Yes, I am a dreamer with big, Big, BIG dreams and I always have been but what's so wrong with dreaming? I just want to be happy and successful in whatever endeavors I do decide to pursue. But I've always been that girl that wants her happiness to be just a little big more than average, maybe I even want my happiness to be spectacular. 
I used to tell people that as soon as I graduated high school I was going to take a Greyhound bus straight to New York City and be on Broadway.  Then high school really happened and I realized that my plans weren't exactly going to work out.  I fell in love with Meredith College and ended up here.  However, sometimes I still wonder what my life would be now if I had taken that bus and never looked back, because nowadays I'm constantly looking back and wondering.  I probably wouldn't be on Broadway but what on earth would I be doing? So I think that's why my future plans are so... "dreamy" I guess.  Because I never got to live out my post-high school plans of awesomeness... as my friends used to call them. So don't look down on me for my "overly ambitious outlooks on life" because my ambition does fucking push ups in my sleep (as Kurt Hummel would say to Rachel Barry) and with that I'm ready to take on anything. I'll do what I do and you can say that I'm just a dreamer but watch me, one day I'll prove you wrong.

A Woman and a Dancer. Woman comes first.

Yesterday in one of my usually mind numbing major classes we were told to write about several things. One was how advertising makes you see your body as a woman, two was what you think about you body in conjunction with being a dancer and three was how being female has shaped who you are as a dancer and how that makes you feel.  The first two questions I'd answered many a time in various fields of study, be it a Women's Studies class or a seminar on eating disorders but the last question got me to thinking.  This is what I wrote:

"Talk about not feeling good enough.... I grew up studying ballet and a female ballerina is supposed to be tall, but not taller than her partner, skinny but not too skinny and small enough to be throw around like a rag doll on command. I am taller than most of my male counterparts in ballet, I'm sure as hell not considered skinny (even though anorexia has plagued me for years) and we ALL know that Christine does not do touching or lifting in dance. Oh hell no.  So what am I if not useless in the world of ballet? I'm nowhere near the perfect expectations for a female ballerina.  Being female has plagues me for years just as much as anorexia has and I guess you could also say that being female in the dance world has plagued me more than almost anything.  Well fuck. I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Being a woman can be hard enough at times but when you think about it, being a woman AND a dancer is even harder. And I am a WOMAN. I have a woman's body. Not some 21 year old who looks like a anatomical replica of an 11 year old, prepubescent boy.  I have hips that could own their own country and legs for days.  My chest is little to be desired but that's not what being a woman is about. My body is my body and I am a dancer. If the ballet world, or even our own college modern world can't accept that then you can fuck off. My body. Not yours.

Something to ponder.

An overly ambitious outlook...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do after I graduate college. Yes, I understand it's only  my junior year and I have "so much time" to figure things out, but when you really think about it, a year and a half goes by in what feels like a heartbeat. So I've got some options.  There are things that I want to do and things that I think I "should do."  Either way I'm moving. I'm moving somewhere I've never been where I'll be forced to make new friends, because looking back on my life I've never been forced to make friends, they've always just been around.  Growing up, it was dance. There was the group of girls I'd been in class with since I was 7 and before that, there was the girl who lived across the street from me, we were expected to be friends, and we were. College came and here I am at Meredith where my friends were hand delivered to me in the form of my department. We are such a small major that all of us kind of grew to be friends, you had to be or your life was going to be hell.  Meredith in general hand delivers you your friends.  We are like one big sorority and your friends are just kind of there.  Anyway, moving on to the point of this, I'm going to move. Shane will be in college for at least an extra  year longer than me which will give me time to set up my life. I would love for him to join me when he graduates, because let's face it, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't want him to resent me for forming a life without him while he's still in school. Hopefully that won't happen. 
So we've established that I'll be moving.  What am I going to do when I move?
Well in an ideal world, I'd make a life teaching dance and performing while I create my own production company in whatever city I'm in.  Yes, production company.  My creative bug has been biting me so hard lately that all I want to do is choreography and write music and create shows.  I'm not sure if it's going to be a dance company or a musical theater company or what but I want to form a group that will put things I create on stage. I'd love to get paid for it too, that would surely be ideal.  I just want to make things for the people and I want what I create to make a difference. I'd love to work in partnership with The Trevor Project but we'll see where that goes. Now I know that all of this working out in my favor is extremely far fetched but I really want to do this.
So that is what I want to do.  What I should do is a different story. Yes, I am looking into graduate school to get my masters.  Most people would look at that as the ideal post-grad plan but I'm not so sure. I would love to go to graduate school for one of three things: Women's Studies, Activism and Social Change(!!!!), or get an MFA in dance.  That last one seems way out of reach because I kind of suck at what I'm majoring in but that's beside the point.  There are 3 schools that I'm looking at and all of them are so radically different than Meredith, NYU, Amherst College in Massachusetts, or U-Michigan.  I'd honestly be happy at any of these schools but again, I'm not sure if I'd be happy being in school for another 2-3 years.  Even if I do go to Grad School, I have a feeling I'd still be working on my overly ambitious plans to start a production company. 
So where will I go if I don't go to graduate school? Well there are a few destinations on my mind.
Number 1. Wilmington, NC.  Stay in North Carolina you say? Why would I want to do that? Well here's the thing. I love Wilmington.  Shane love Wilmington.  We've discussed many times how we could live there and be completely happy.  It's a beautiful city and the historical downtown district blows my mind and my  heart out of the water every time I'm there.  Option A.
Number 2. New York.  So everyone who's ever wanted to do something in the arts has moved to NYC.  Yes, it's extremely far fetched to "make it" in that city but my best friend is going there for college and it would give me an excuse to move there too. Seems like my kind of place.
And number 3. Chicago.  I've been told that Chicago was made for me and after looking into it, I kind believe it.  And that's where the production company that I want to be a part of is located, not that that will ever happen.
So basically, I just want a fresh start.  I will get it someday I swear.  Post grad is coming soon! It's time for some serious life decisions.

Peace. Love. Corn.