Ostriches and Aliens

It's been a rough month for me. This whole dance thing is more challenging, frightening, gratifying and deteriorating to me than I ever thought it would be. You work your ass off for the last two years just for another "No. Sorry, you're still not good enough." and it tends to put a damper on things. I'm not in a good place in my life these days either. I'm confused and bogged down with everything from the relationships around me to trying to make myself get out of bed in the morning. My true relationship with God has gone out the window and I don't know why, but it's really hard to get it back. It's really hard to get any of that back once it's out of focus. I can't seem to get my heart to decide on what I really want to do and it makes my mind go off the beaten path, which scares me. I want things to be set in stone. I want decisions to come easy to me, and I want my life to make sense again. I desperately need Shane to stop worrying about which side of me he's going to wake up to in the morning. It's not fair to him for me to drag him on this roller coaster of depression just because he lives with me. I just wish I could lock it all up and make myself be fine. Fine is better than what I am now but worse than what I should aim for, which is good, healthy, stable and alive. And believe me, all of this does not stem from just some audition where I was told no. It definitely added to the mountain on my shoulders but there's so much more to what's going on in my head than just that one event that left me out of whack. Shane would like to say that it is THE event that threw me off my axis this time, and he's probably right but I don't want to blame it on that. I don't want to blame it on anything, it's just the point I'm at in my life right now. The feeling of being ostracized every day of my life in a place that strives to be known for equality and community and friendship is hard to take in, especially when everyone has a best friend and yours moved away. She's not that far away but she's gone all Tri-Delta sorority now and I never see her. God I miss April. We were completely different people but somehow we just fit together and our friendship came easy. I wish she still wanted to dance and to be at Meredith but it just wasn't for her. She's happy with the Tri-Deltas and her Anthropology major now and that's all I could hope for her. To see her more than once a semester would be great though. I know this is a rambling mush of nothing update but I needed to just talk. Talk to anyone and no one at the same time because that's what this thing is right? I can't talk to Shane, can't talk to people at school without them thinking I'm crazy (which I'm not I swear), definitely can't talk to my out of touch parents, so here it is. Out in the open for anyone to read who happens to stumble across my thoughts. I needed this really. To write and cry and just put it all out there, more or less. My heart is on the page bleeding for you and this is all it has to give. Hopefully this will help me.