Yesterday in one of my usually mind numbing major classes we were told to write about several things. One was how advertising makes you see your body as a woman, two was what you think about you body in conjunction with being a dancer and three was how being female has shaped who you are as a dancer and how that makes you feel. The first two questions I'd answered many a time in various fields of study, be it a Women's Studies class or a seminar on eating disorders but the last question got me to thinking. This is what I wrote:
"Talk about not feeling good enough.... I grew up studying ballet and a female ballerina is supposed to be tall, but not taller than her partner, skinny but not too skinny and small enough to be throw around like a rag doll on command. I am taller than most of my male counterparts in ballet, I'm sure as hell not considered skinny (even though anorexia has plagued me for years) and we ALL know that Christine does not do touching or lifting in dance. Oh hell no. So what am I if not useless in the world of ballet? I'm nowhere near the perfect expectations for a female ballerina. Being female has plagues me for years just as much as anorexia has and I guess you could also say that being female in the dance world has plagued me more than almost anything. Well fuck. I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Being a woman can be hard enough at times but when you think about it, being a woman AND a dancer is even harder. And I am a WOMAN. I have a woman's body. Not some 21 year old who looks like a anatomical replica of an 11 year old, prepubescent boy. I have hips that could own their own country and legs for days. My chest is little to be desired but that's not what being a woman is about. My body is my body and I am a dancer. If the ballet world, or even our own college modern world can't accept that then you can fuck off. My body. Not yours.
Something to ponder.
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